Getting It All Together

It is so nice to have AJ home. We had a meeting with my partners today. I have decided to put my real estate license in referral status for the next year. I am still a REALTOR and will take care of my clients. I will also be involved in every step of the way with any new clients. I just will use my partners to show houses, and do the "legal" stuff. We decided (the 4 of us) that it would be the best for all of us while AJ was gone. I had a very hard time coming to this decision. I want to do everything and do everything well. This deployment has humbled me and I know that I can't do everything and do everything perfect. I have to admit I feel a bit like a failure. I was once able to balance all my hats. Throwing a baby in the mix with a teenager, and another little boy has just proved to be too much to be working 40+ hours a week. I will get time to focus more on my family and to give my clients 100% care.

I was glad they wanted AJ in on the conversation. He did make it easier. Yes, I cried most of the way through it. Because I do want it ALL! Our orignial plan with splitting the childcare will not work and I am totally against putting G in daycare. I did that with my other boys and always have felt a bit guilty. If anything from our time in military. I have realized that kids grow super fast and that you have to enjoy every minute. So... here I go.

Heartbroken

Yesterday, my heart broke. I noticed while getting my hair done, that my diamond and all the prongs were gone on my wedding ring. I am completely superstitious and don't want to change a thing before AJ leaves. I know what will be ... will be. No ring, lucky penny, etc will change that. But, in my little mind... just maybe it might. People told me that it can be replaced, true. But, after 15 years of marriage, 3 children, 5 deployments, lots of ups and downs and adjustments... I want that ring. That ring was suppose to be blessed at our vow renewal. I have filled an insurance claim, and hopefully it will get here by our vow renewal mid November. *Sigh* It still makes me sick to my stomach.

Decisions

The past three weeks have been full of adjustments and eye opening experiences. I like to think I can do it all. But, the past few weeks have humbled me. I know that I can do it all, but can I do it all with out crumbling... not so sure. I have made some decisions in the past few weeks to limited whatever is not necessary. My kids are my priority and getting them through the next year. Love my job and the flexibility, but am thinking of working on a smaller level. Still selling real estate, but just on a smaller scale. It is not what I want. But, it maybe what I need to do to keep it all together. My partners have made me a proposal, and we will see what the coming days bring. It makes me pretty emotional when I think about it. Because, I feel like I am letting myself and them down. Sometimes... just sometimes I wonder when is my time? When I went into this job and had Graycen, it was going to be all about team parenting and splitting the duties. I refuse to put Graycen with a sitter full time. I just won't. I did that with my other boys, and feel like I missed out on so much and the time I was with them Mommy was grouchy. Please just say a prayer that God guides me and gives me the answers I need.

Give Thanks

What a precious gift I received today. A great reminder to be grateful this next year!

Support

It is very true if you have never been through a deployment or loved a Marine, you have no idea what it is like. I am struggling a lot with people this deployment. I know that during a deployment, I become a person that has to survive. I think of my family and what they need in order to get through this awful time. I have people close to me, who I think forgot my husband is not just going off to play Marine. He is going to war. He is going to do a dangerous job, and although any ones days can be numbered it is much more realistic in our situation.

I know even from being on the outside, while friends are deployed... I don't always have the right words. I want to help, but don't know how. No one can replace the emptiness that comes with a deployment or separation. I just ask that people care. People show compassion. I understand that there is not one person in this world who doesn't have stress. But, in order to feel those stresses and live, people like my family and my husband have to make sacrifices. I just ask that you check in on those who have a loved one deployed. Don't ask... just do something nice for them. Go just be with them. See if there is anything that can be done. 99.99 percent of the time, I will tell you no and a lot of my friends would too. But, you never know... you may just get us on that off day.

This deployment I will surround myself with supportive and loving people. If you are not one of those, I have no time or energy for you. That is how it is.

Week 2

I am not doing well with keeping up with my blogging. I had a lot go on last week. Found out that one of our kids took the week off of school and served his first detention. It completely through me off, and AJ and I had never talked about what we would do in that situation. Other then that, I just survived. Worked, kept the house up, and took care of the boys. I honestly can't recall much of the week. That is horrible! This week I feel much more settled. I feel like I am in a routine, for AJ to come back home and disrupt it next week. I am getting the itch to start my book. Especially after reading a book that really is written so simply, I can certainly do better! I just need to start gathering my thoughts. It definitely is a deployment project!

Vow Renewal Dress

I finally found my dress for our vow renewal.  I have looked and looked and this one just stood out to me.

Clearing Out

If I have learned anything the past 10 days... it is that deployments with children is beyond the hardest thing I have ever had to balance.  As a reservist family, we are used to AJ being gone at night but not for days at a time with little to know communication. My boys adore their Dad and we have all felt the emptiness with him gone. Keegan has had some issues with turning work in late this week. Although I am not excusing the late assignment, I know how hard it has been for me to stay focused. I have decided I need to clear out the things that are un essential to us surviving this deployment. I have resigned from my volunteer job. I have loved the contacts I made, but I just can't give it my 110% now. The baby needs me during the day,  and the older kids need my full attention at night.  So from now on... it is the simpler route. I hate quitting anything,  but know it's essential.

A Phone Call... Means Everything

AJ always seems to know when I need to hear from him most. With very limited communication the past week and a half, I was so excited to get a text from AJ and then a long uninterrupted phone call. We actually got to discuss things and it was nice to feel like he was helping me make decisions. We got his Christmas dates, so I was able to book his tickets. An arm and a leg of course, but so worth it.

Week 1 done.. On to Week 2

Week 1 actually went fast, with few melt downs. It is amazing that I can feel so good when I wake up, feel like I am in my groove, then BAM! Something sets me off and I am a sobbing mess or just a B**tch. The best advice I did get before we started this deployment.... this is the one time in life I can be a B**tch and just say No. I need to learn the No part better and keep my plate cleaner. It is much harder going through a deployment with 3 kids. 2 who are running all the time, one who doesn't sleep, or let me get anything finished throughout the day. I am hating how disorganized I have been the past month and how I can't find anything. I even have forgotten to put things in my calendar, and I am religious at it usually! I try not to let AJ know how I am feeling, but it is so hard when I am used to telling him everything. I guess I am in the mad stage, and I want him to feel what I feel. This week I look forward to getting more into a routine. Football is coming to an end in the next few weeks. I still have to find a dress for our vow renewal and what the kids are wearing. Time to turn my energy into that!

One Week Down

It has been an exhausting week trying to figure out how to be both Mom and Dad. I fell asleep at 7:30 last night. I just hit a wall! Here are some photos from the week. We are all adjusting well and miss AJ terribly. The beginning of the week had no communication, and it has gotten better as the week has gone on. So excited for a date with my big boys to see Wicked tonight!

My Loves

Marine Corps Ball 2011

AJ's 89 year old grandfather joined us again for the Marine Corps ball. He is super proud of AJ and loves to show of his own uniform!

My Heart is Empty...

AJ left bright and early this morning. As soon as he left, I felt empty. It is the strangest feeling to get up, see his stuff around and know that he is not going to need any of it for awhile. Yes, this is probably the shortest part of the deployment... but the adjustment is all the same. He did get to see the boys for a brief minute when they got home at 11:30. Brayden was emotional this morning, but I set them both straight on our new behavioral policy and our new no fighting rule! We have lots we want to do over the next few weeks. We have to decide on Halloween costumes, get clothes for the boys and me for the vow renewal, and think about what I will feed everyone! AJ and I have another getaway weekend planned for November. As much as I hated leaving the kids last weekend, we needed it so much!

Ball Weekend

We just returned from our deployment brief/ ball weekend. It was nice to be with others going through the same emotions, but it certainly made it real. I was doing completely fine until I sat in the room and saw those faces and was reminded of all my feelings from other deployments. I met some amazing women and was able to share my story in order to help new girlfriends, wives, etc. It felt good to have the courage to tell them after 6 deployments, I am still anxious and overwhelmed.

My deployment diet has started. My stomach has been in knots all weekend. Food sounds good, but quickly makes me nauseous. I think that once I get AJ out the door, and get into a routine I will feel less anxious.

In less then 12 hours our journey begins. AJ is in the garage packing and cleaning. I know that leaving us, even for the couple initial weeks, is going to be hard on him. I packed a card in his hygiene bag from Gracyen. I know he is going to miss us all, but especially his little monkey.

I hope to post ball picture soon!

Getting Ready

We continue to busily get ready for the deployment. We enjoyed a whole week with AJ home, and will get him home all of this week. Monday starts our new realty. We have a weekend of deployment briefs and the ball this weekend. I had my girls trip planned with my Mom and my sisters to scope out stuff for my sisters wedding in Florida I had to cancel my ticket today, and that hit me pretty hard. I didn't want AJ to see I was upset, but I couldn't help but not cry. I try so hard to be strong, but sometimes... just sometimes I don't want to be strong anymore. I want to be the "normal" family and know my husband is going to be home with me and we can plan things with him in it. I had a bit of a panicky feeling this morning. I think it is all finally hitting me. I think I have stayed so busy, that I haven't let myself really let it sink in. But, it is quickly becoming my realty and I am not ready.

Last night, AJ cancelled all the things on our calendar and we had a family night out. We took the kids to the new Bass Pro shop and had dinner in their new restaurant. The kids enjoyed it and it was nice to not have to run to football practice. Here is a cute photo I took.

Fishing With Dad

AJ was able to go with Brayden on his field trip Fishing today. (Yes, I snuck in too.) We had a great time, even thought not many fish were caught. I am so glad AJ could experience this with Brayden. He seemed to enjoy having his Dad there. Poor guy... his whole world is going to change and he is the one I worry about the most.

Waiting For Boys